I was going to write something yesterday about supermarkets, vertigo and pantiliners after buka posa, which left some people wondering and leaving their own speculations...haha.
The world is so full of choices nowadays. Gone are the simple, carefree yesteryears, when you didn't have to worry and fret so much about anything. Much less pantiliners. We just had plain old sanitary napkins (what a demeaning term it is, eh? haha) for all our womenly troubles.
See, women are special. Their are like rainbows after a rainy day. When the sun comes out again. They decorate the clearing skies with a huge swash or colors. Even their bodily secretions are colorful. You have red, bright red, muddy red, brownish, brackish, yellowish, greenish, white, powdery, clear...hmmm...maybe even purple or blue? And smells...musky, earthy, dreamy, yucky, ewwwwy...etc etc etc. And they even taste different. Ok...I won't go into that. Leave that to the men and their tastebuds.
Popping into the supermarket is such an ordeal in itself this day and age. We have so many varieties of products that make your head spin. Eggs come in a dozen varieties. Grain-fed (I guess some are fed what? can't imagine), farmstyle, kampungstyle, townstyle, antibiotics-galore, antibiotic-free, enriched with omega 3s, omega 6s, selenium, and hey! I won't be surprised if they have one with uranium and we just bought it anyways because our eyes were smarting and seeing stars and our heads were already spinning (at least for the stress-induced vertigo sufferers like me) and so do oats (instant, quick cooking, slow cooking, regular cooking, old-style, new-style, no-style...gahhhh!). Veggies and fruits...organic, kampung, compost grown (ewww?), air grown, air flown, shipped, smuggled, pesticide-free, pesticide-ridden, etc etc... And fish. We have frozen (for years), defrosted, preserved as in formaldehyded, fresh, live, sea water, fresh water, murky waters, bla bla bla. Ditto for them cows and chickens. We have halal, non-halal, ayam katok, ayam kampung, ayam bandar, ayam pencen, ayam belum pencen, ayam dara, ayam dah tak dara, antibiotics -addled, growth hormone-pumped. Ditto meats. From India (always dubious to me like from China items...), from Australia (halal ka daging yang lembunya kena stun dulu sebelum sembelih), from Malaysia...all those different cuts and grades...Hoi! I just a one size fits all kinda cut, ok? I don't plan my menu a year in advance. Can't one cut fit all my different pots, pans and ovens and recipes? I just want them to be tender and not chewy and not have to spit out the beef and curse the pasaraya when I buka puasa, thus nullifying my already very tenuous fast.
Then we come to the toiletries. Not spared from the same trauma that makes the head spin (like when I'm drifting my Skyline GT-T...in my dreams...but that's an enjoyable kinda spin). Too many variations. I wanted to get some pantiliners yesterday. For my womanly needs. Plain and simple. And just walk out of the Giant supermarket and go home and prepare iftar for the kids. Instead, I ended up stuck at that aisle for over half an hour. I think it was the low blood sugar. Lowered my defences to the clever marketing ploys devised by these beneficiaries of women's bodily secretions. The choices were suddenly overwhelming.
Always Dri-Liners™ Pantiliners (and the others are always not so dri?)
- Dri-Weave™ — Helps keep moisture away for an everyday clean feeling (so we can wear it for more than a few days?)
- LeakGuard™ Core — Pulls fluid into the middle of the liner and helps lock away odors (sounds like a reactor core meltdown scenario designed radioactive leak guard)
- Unique Side Protection Zones — Uniquely designed to keep fluid from the sides and to help keep you protected every day(dri-weave, leakguard, side protection zones...hey! we just wanna keep dry and not have any gooey stuff running down our legs...all these trademarked terms sound like what Mercedes offers to the occupants of its cars, like a passenger crush protection zone...never knew we needed rocket science to deal with womenly issues (literally))
- Edge-to-Edge Adhesive — For great stay-put protection (of course we always want the liner to stay put...that's a non-issue, a given we ALWAYS want a liner to do just that...we do not want the liner to suddenly make its way out while we are waiting at the checkout line or at a buka puasa function and have people staring at the thing on the floor in our wake, kan?)
Always Thin Liners (and pantiliners are not? some people want bulky ones? might as well go get a pad then, kan?)
- Soft Cover — Gives you that comfortable feeling every day(some days we don't want comfort, I guess)
- Edge-to-Edge Adhesive — For great stay-put protection
- Individually Wrapped — So you can carry them discreetly(yeah, like we wave it it people's faces anyway everyday? I guess they have other types that are for the indiscreet ladies?)
- Flexibility — uniquely designed to move with you all day(yes, definitely, any woman wouldn't want to walk around with a plank between the legs)
- Thin Breathable Layer — Helps keep you dry( oh, I guess it could double as a mask in pandemic areas)
Always Flexi Style (and the others are ramrod straight so you have to walk kengkang, is it?)
- Our thinnest most flexible protection (yes, the the scales are already so cruel, don't add on anymore unwanted kilos on us women)
- Wrap around edges — Unique edges that fold under to fit multiple panty styles (for the thong groups...who right in their minds enjoy their butt cheeks being strangled daily wearing these thongs anyways...remember that "panty stuck in- between" feelings when we were kids...I don't wanna experience that at this age...I just want comfort...not hang myself or sun my butt in Rio for an all-over tan)
- Soft Top Layer — Designed for a comfortable feeling every day (who likes anything hard between their legs anyways...duhhh...oh, ok...maybe in other situations...but not when one wants to go to the office)
Then you have the Kotex brand:
They give us...
Unscented
Scented
(ever smell bodysweat/underarm odor mingled with scents? like it helps?)Odor Absorbing, Extra Coverage
( to absorb odor, just use baking powder, cheaper...I'm always amused by "extra coverage" ...does that mean it outdoes the Maxis and Celcom and can double as a mobile phone in emergencies?)Extra Coverage, Protection Accrue
(I though only interest accrued...didn't know it applied to bodily discharge too)Ultra Thin Ultra Compact, Regular Unscented
(anymore Ultra Thin and Ultra Compact and we would be buying air packaged as liners to gullible women)Ultra Thin Ultra Compact with Wings, Regular Unscented
(so they can fly? everyone/thing can fly, not only Tony Fernandes)Wrapped, Long
(why not just wrap them all individually...easier on everyone kan?)Wrapped, Maximum Protection
(for maximum protection, just get an adult diaper for heaven's sake lah...no much a liner can do for cases of severe incontinence...like women are gonna know just how the childbirth ravaged bladder muscles are going to embarass them today...ie: try having a sudden sneezing attack on a full bladder in a jam-packed LRT, standing, without time to flex those necessary muscles...men flex outwardly...show offs...women, on the other hand, are the masters of inward flexing)The list went on. And on. There were other brands. Carefree (has so many degrees of dryness factored in...the brand name is a MISNOMER ie: for the carefree,
couldn't care less woman) Sofy, Whisper, Kao, Stayfree, ete etc etc. each with at least 5 or more variations.
I couldn't for the life of me find "REGULAR". I just wanted a regular liner, OKAY???? That's all.
My head spun, and I picked something which I vaguely recognised...it had unscented, long, maximum, light, wrapped and God knows what else...but it also had the magic word.
REGULAR. Plain old liner.
Thank God.
And then there was the checkout line. Long, long, long, lines. Crowds. People. More people. Suffocating types with 10 kids, granmas, granpas, uncles, aunties, god-fathers, god-mothers, mistresses etc etc. Malaysian-style. Every day is whole family day in the marts.
There was one line for cash, one for credit cards, one for MEPS, one for more than ten items, one for less than ten items, but NONE for stress-induced (even anxiety comes in a hundred different variations and labels nowadays) vertigo and claustrophobia sufferers who just needed to grab their needs, throw the money at the cashier and jump into the safe haven of their car and drive off sane and in one piece.
Here.
U2's Vertigo. Take a listen. Any mention of pantiliners?
