Decisions

One who seeks guidance from his Creator (istikharah) and consults his fellow believers and then remains firm in his resolve does not regret. For Allah has said :

"...and consult them in the affair. Then when you have taken your decision, put your trust in Allah..."

Istikharah
According to Quran and Sunnah

from

WWW.MUTTAQUN.COM

Hadith - al-Tirmidhi # 2151. [Classed as saheeh by al-Haakim, 1/699, and al-Dhahabi agreed with him. It was classed as hasan by al-Haafiz ibn Hajar in Fath al-Baari, 11/184]

The happiness of the son of Adam depends on his being content with what Allah has decreed for him, and the misery of the son of Adam results from his failure to pray istikharah, and the misery of the son of Adam results from in his discontent with what Allah has decreed for him.

---

To make the prayer of Istikharah (say: iss-teh-KHAR-uh), one should pray two non-fard (non-obligatory) rakat (units) of prayer, even if they are of the regular sunnah prayers or a prayer for entering the mosque, and so on, during any time of the day or night.

One should recite in them whatever one wishes of the Qur'an, after reciting al-Fatihah. Then one should praise Allah and invoke blessings upon the Prophet, peace be upon him.

After this one should supplicate to Allah. Jabir Ibn 'Abdullah has reported the following supplication from the Prophet, peace be upon him, when he related, "The Prophet, peace be upon him, taught us how to make Istikharah in all (our) affairs, just as he taught us various surahs of the Qur'an. He told us, 'If anyone of you considers doing something he should offer a two-rak'at prayer other than the obligatory prayers, and then say (after the prayer),

"Allahumma inni astakhiruka bi'ilmika. wa astaqdiruka bi-qudratika, wa as'aluka min fadlika al-azimfa-innaka taqdiru wala aqdiru, wa ta'lamu wala a ' lamu, wa anta 'allamu-l-ghuyub.

Allahumma, in kunta ta' lamu anna hadhaI-amra khairun lifi dini wa ma'ashi wa aqibati amri (or 'ajili amri wa'ajilihi) f aqdirhu li wa yas-sirhu li thumma barik li fihi, wa in kunta ta'llamu anna hadha-l-amra sharrun lifi dini wa ma'ashi wa-aqibati amri (orfi'ajili amri wa ajilihi) fasrifhu anni was-rifni'anhu.

Wa aqdir li al-khaira haithu kana thumma ardini bihi"

(O Allah ! I ask guidance from Your knowledge, and Power from Your Might and I ask for Your great blessings. You are capable and I am not. You know and I do not and You know the unseen. O Allah! If You know that this thing is good for my din and my subsistence and for my Hereafter - (or say, If it is better for my present and later needs) - then ordain it for me and make it easy for me to obtain, and then bless me in it. If You know that this thing is harmful to me in my din and subsistence and in the Hereafter--(or say, If it is worse for my present and later needs)--then keep it away from me, and keep me away from it. And ordain for me whatever is good for me, and make me satisfied with it)."'

The Prophet, may peace be upon him, added that then the person should mention his need."

There is nothing authentic concerning anything specific that is to be recited in the prayer nor is there any authentic report concerning how many times one should repeat it.

An-Nawawi holds that "after making istikharah, a person must do what he is wholeheartedly inclined to do and feels good about doing and should not insist on doing what he had desired to do before making the istikharah. And if his feelings change, he should leave what he had intended to do, for otherwise he is not leaving the choice to Allah, and would not be honest in seeking aid from Allah's power and knowledge. Sincerity in seeking Allah's choice, means that one should completely abandon what one desired oneself."

Edgar Allan Poe

Dreamland (1844)

By a route obscure and lonely,
Haunted by ill angels only,
Where an Eidolon, named NIGHT,
On a black throne reigns upright,
I have reached these lands but newly
From an ultimate dim Thule--
From a wild weird clime that lieth, sublime,
Out of SPACE--out of TIME.

Bottomless vales and boundless floods,
And chasms, and caves, and Titan woods,
With forms that no man can discover
For the dews that drip all over;
Mountains toppling evermore
Into seas without a shore;
Seas that restlessly aspire,
Surging, unto skies of fire;
Lakes that endlessly outspread
Their lone waters--lone and dead,
Their still waters--still and chilly
With the snows of the lolling lily.

By the lakes that thus outspread
Their lone waters, lone and dead,--
Their sad waters, sad and chilly
With the snows of the lolling lily,--

By the mountains--near the river
Murmuring lowly, murmuring ever,--
By the gray woods,--by the swamp
Where the toad and the newt encamp,--
By the dismal tarns and pools
Where dwell the Ghouls,--
By each spot the most unholy--
In each nook most melancholy,--

There the traveller meets aghast
Sheeted Memories of the past--
Shrouded forms that start and sigh
As they pass the wanderer by--
White-robed forms of friends long given,
In agony, to the Earth--and Heaven.

For the heart whose woes are legion
'Tis a peaceful, soothing region--
For the spirit that walks in shadow
'Tis--oh, 'tis an Eldorado!
But the traveller, travelling through it,
May not--dare not openly view it;
Never its mysteries are exposed
To the weak human eye unclosed;
So wills its King, who hath forbid
The uplifting of the fringed lid;
And thus the sad Soul that here passes
Beholds it but through darkened glasses.

By a route obscure and lonely,
Haunted by ill angels only.

Where an Eidolon, named NIGHT,
On a black throne reigns upright,
I have wandered home but newly
From this ultimate dim Thule.

Moderate, Fundamentalist or Liberal(ly stupid)

I came upon this comment in Tun's blog on his Kartika/Merdeka post. I like it. Sums up exactly how I feel about all the fears about perception and labelling.

By prof_ridcully on August 25, 2009 11:55 PM

Friends,

Many say that we should be a moderate Muslim country as in the quotation below:

//Najib should interfere and commute the sentence to a simple fine and assuring the world that we are still a moderate Muslim country//

I don't think it's as simple as that. Islamic matters are the prerogative of the Sultan.

At any rate why be unduly concerned about our being known as a moderate Muslim country, a liberal one, or even a fundamentalist Muslim country for that matter? What do these labels mean from the point of view of Islam? As a Muslim, what value do these labels, moderate, liberal or fundamentalist, place on me? I say none.

The reason I say 'none' is that I'm a Muslim. Full stop. I may be a pious or a not-so-pious Muslim but these states do not equate to my being a moderate, liberal or fundamentalist Muslim. In fact, if people insist of using these labels, I'd say the best Muslim is a fundamentalist Muslim.

Tun himself once said that he's a fundamentalist. Now, before you go shouting 'Taliban' or 'As-Shabab' please remember that 'fundamental' means a leading or primary principle, rule, law, or article, which serves as the groundwork of a system -- in our case, Islam.

Moderate, liberal and fundamentalist are labels stuck on Islam and Muslims. In the history of Islam there were never 'moderate' or 'fundamentalist' Muslims until very recently. No history book has described the early Muslim community in Madinah or the various caliphates under the four Rightly Guided Caliphs, when Islamic fervour was at its greatest, as fundamentalist. There were good and bad Muslims, pious and impious, even secular and religious ones, yes, but no moderate or fundamentalist ones. As a matter of fact, 'Fundamentalism' was used to describe a Christian movement in the early 20th century, and 'Puritanism' even earlier. [I include Puritanism because now certain Muslim communities have been described as practicing 'puritan' Islam, whatever that means].

These are powerful words giving the connotation that being 'liberal' is good and being 'fundamentalist' bad. The danger is, when we buy into this labelling, when we accept it, we're obliged to fit into the mould of a moderate, liberal or fundamental Muslim, a mould which Muslims didn't make. We're allowing others to dictate to us what a Muslim should be. Shouldn't it be the other way round? Shouldn't we decide what we should be? And if we do decide what we should be, must we fit into boxes labelled 'moderate', liberal' or 'fundamental' -- boxes made by others?

When we accept these terms as being descriptive of Muslims, we in effect look at ourselves and Muslims everywhere through the lens of others. And therein lies the problem.

It's fine if a Muslim who says the Friday prayers regularly, for example, is called a 'moderate.' But what if he is labelled (pejoratively) as a 'fundamentalist,' [which is what he is, actually] and one who doesn't pray is called 'liberal' or 'moderate'? Does he give up his prayers in order to be accepted as a 'moderate'? What if others decide to call a Muslim lady, who is otherwise moderate in her manners, but who wears a scarf, a fundamentalist? Does she then remove her scarf in order to fit into others' perception of what a moderate Muslim should be? Does a Muslim who drinks alcohol and then decides to turn teetotaller without changing anything else in his life go up the scale from liberal to fundamentalist?

So I say let's practice Islam the best we can and judge ourselves using the yardstick used by Islam all this while -- the degree of piety, because Allah SWT certainly will. And ignore the labels attached to the religion by others. These labels change like the wind.

In between...

vacuuming rooms...

I just had to say...hasn't it been such a glorious couple of days? Deep blue skies with huge billowing white, heavy (looking) white clouds, highlighted with varying shades of greys...seemingly trying hard to bring the rains but gently and insistently pushed away by the strong, soothing breeze. What dazzling contrasts, what a dazzling spectacle to behold.

Reminds me of Penang in Decembers through Februarys. Back at my childhood home.

The nights....these nights are made for long evening walks with a beloved and gazing with such sweet longing at the heavens for The Beloved, transfixed by the flickering diamonds in the velvety night skies.

Searching for a way. An answer. A sign. Undisputable truth.

And rest. For the restless.

AT-TARIQ (THAT WHICH COMES IN THE NIGHT)

THE EIGHTY-SIXTH SURAH
Total Verses: 17
MECCA PERIOD

Muhammad Asad

Introduction

REVEALED at a comparatively early date (probably in the fourth year of the Prophet's mission), the surah takes its name from the noun at-tariq in its first verse.

IN THE NAME OF GOD, THE MOST GRACIOUS, THE DISPENSER OF GRACE:

(1) CONSIDER the heavens and that which comes in the night!*

* Some commentators assume that what is described here as at-tariq ("that which comes in the night") is the morning-star, because it appears towards the end of the night; others - like Zamakhshari or Raghib - understand by it "the star" in its generic sense. Now if we analyze the origin of this noun, we find that it is derived from the verb taraqa, which primarily means "he beat [something]" or "knocked [at something]"; hence, taraqa 'l-bab, "he knocked at the door". Tropically, the noun signifies "anything [or "anyone"] that comes in the night", because a person who comes to a house by night is expected to knock at the door (Taj al-Arus). In the Qur'anic mode of expression, at-tariq is evidently a metaphor for the heavenly solace which sometimes comes to a human being lost in the deepest darkness of affliction and distress; or for the sudden, intuitive enlightenment which disperses the darkness of uncertainty; or, finally, for divine revelation, which knocks, as it were, at the doors of man's heart.. and thus fulfils the functions of both solace and enlightenment. (For my rendering of the adjurative wa as "Consider", see surah 74, first half of note 23.)

(2) And what could make thee conceive what it is that comes in the night?

(3) It is the star that pierces through [life's] darkness:

(4) [for] no human being has ever been left unguarded.*

* Lit., "there is no human being without a guardian [or "without a watch being kept] over it". See in this connection note 7 on 82:10-12.

(5) LET MAN, then, observe out of what he has been created:

(6) he has been created out of a seminal fluid

(7) issuing from between the loins [of man] and the pelvic arch [of woman].*

* The plural noun tara'ib, rendered by me as "pelvic arch", has also the meaning of "ribs" or "arch of bones"; according to most of the authorities who have specialized in the etymology of rare Quranic expressions this term relates specifically to female anatomy (Taj al-'Arus).

(8) Now, verily, He [who thus creates man in the first instance] is well able to bring him back [to life]

(9) on the Day when all I secrets will be laid bare,

(10) and [man] will have neither strength nor helper!

(11) Consider* the heavens, ever-revolving,

* Sc., "And, finally, in order to grasp more fully God's power of creation and re-creation, consider. . .", etc.

(12) and the earth, bursting forth with plants!

(13) BEHOLD, this [divine writ] is indeed a word that between truth and falsehood,*

* Lit., "a decisive word", or "word of distinction", i.e., between the true and the false - in this case, belief in a continuation of life after "death ", on the one hand, and a denial of its possibility, on the other. (Cf. 37:21, 44:40, 86:13 and 38, and 78:17, where Resurrection Day is spoken of as "the Day of Distinction"; see also note 6 on 86:13.)

(14) and is no idle tale.

(15) Behold, they [who refuse to accept it] devise many a false argument* [to disprove its truth];

* Lit., "devise [many] an artful scheme (kayd)"; see note 41 on 34:33, where "the almost synonymous term makr is used in the same sense.

(16) but I shall bring all their scheming to nought.*

* Lit., "I shall devise a [yet more subtle] scheme", sc., "to bring theirs to nought". The paraphrase adopted by me gives, according to all the authorities, the meaning of the above sentence.

(17) Let, then, the deniers of the truth have their will: let them have their will for a little while!

(Cross references in text from here: The Message of the Quran)

Marhaban Ramadan

Realities and Obligations in Ramadhan

From Sunnah.Com

---

During this Ramadhan do not let the sweetness of our deeds vanish into the night, leaving only emptiness. When one contemplates the texts on fasting, its wisdom and goals in Shari'ah, and looks at the reality of the Muslim communities, one realizes a wide gap between the reality and our obligations. Remember that Ramadhan is a bounty that Allah blessed His servants with, to strengthen their faith, and increase their piety (taqwa). Allah said:

"O you who believe! Fasting is prescribed for you as it was prescribed for those before you, that you may become pious." [Al-Qur'an 2:183]

This article is an attempt to present the essential causes of this gap, and to offer some remedies. The primary reason for the gap is ignorance about the goals of fasting and the wisdom behind it. Many Muslims ignore the purpose and wisdom of fasting. Fasting is done merely to conform to the social environment without contemplation. If one is not aware of the divine wisdom of Shari'ah and its fruits in this world and in the hereafter, one will not apply it in the right way.

GOALS OF FASTING

Achieving taqwa: This is one of the most important wisdoms of fasting. Fasting brings on taqwa as it lessens the desire of the stomach and mutes the sexual appetite. Whoever fasts frequently would be able to overcome these two desires more easily. This deters against the committing of abominations and sins and assists in controlling one's life ultimately leading to taqwa.

Strengthening willpower and acquiring patience: The Prophet, upon whom be peace, called Ramadhan the month of patience as it increases one's will power to control his desire and the selfishness of his soul. This training allows him to be strong in following Allah's commands. The most important being to carry the Message and propel it forward. The person trains himself to be patient in obeying Allah by stopping at the limits set by Allah both by way of action and abstention. Allah said:

"These are the limits set by Allah, so approach them not." [Al-Qur'an 2:187]

Fasting is pure worship: The fact that one is abstaining from food and drink both in public and in secret shows his honest faith and strong love of Allah, and his knowledge and feeling that Allah is All-Knowing. For this reason Allah has made the reward for fasting greater than for any other type of worship. Allah said in the hadith qudsi:

"Every deed of the son of Adam will be multiplied [in rewards], the good deed by ten of its like, up to seven hundred times, up to whatever Allah wills, except fasting, it is for Me and I will reward it. He abandons his desire and his food for My sake." [Related by Muslim]

Ibn al-Qayyim said:

" ... and people may see that a person is not eating in front of them, but the fact that he is really abandoning his food and his desire for the sake of God is a thing that nobody can find out about, and that is the essence of fasting." [Za'ad al-Ma'ad 2/29]

Relieving Muslims from life's distractions: Eating, drinking, and socializing all distract a person and weaken ties with Allah. It is by the Mercy of Allah that Muslims are ordered to fast so as not to be bothered by the intrusion of these activities. Nor by the thought about them nor the anticipation for them when devoting themselves to the all types of worship. Either reading the Qur'an, offering additional prayer or making i'tikaf. For this reason the Prophet, peace be upon him, said:

"Fasting is a shield, and a secure fortress against the Fire." [Related by Ahmad]

Discovering Allah's blessings: A person experiences the hardship of the poor. He should then be thankful to Allah Who has blessed him with His bounty while others are deprived. This should make him more sympathetic and willing to share this bounty. The poor rediscovers that fasting helps a person be more devoted to worship and that he is more able to concentrate and meditate. He should then be able of this devotion all year long, a blessing he should thank Allah for.

Acquiring strength and endurance: It has been discovered that depriving the body of food for a period of time helps its defense and endurance mechanism. This in turn this protects the body from certain diseases.

Remember that fasting is not only dependent on abstentions: Many believe that fasting consist only of certain abstentions, forgetting that Allah established certain acts of worship with fasting. Amongst which are:

Qiyamul-layl: The Prophet, upon whom be peace, said:

"Whoever performed the night prayer during Ramadhan out of belief and anticipating God's rewards, will be forgiven his previous sins." [Related by Muslim]

Performing 'Umrah: The Prophet, peace be upon him, said:

"'Umrah during Ramadhan is like making Hajj with me." [Related by al-Hakim]

Offering iftar to those who fasted: The Prophet, peace be upon him, said:

"Whoever feeds a fasting person has the same reward as him, except that the reward of the fasting person will not be diminished." [Related by Ahmad]

Reading and completing the Qur'an: The Prophet, upon whom be peace, used to recite the whole Qur'an to Jibril each Ramadhan. The Prophet, peace be upon him, said:

"Fasting and [reading the] Qur'an will intercede for the person: fasting will say: O Lord I forbade him eating and drinking so let me intercede for him, and the Qur'an will say: I deprived him from his night sleep so let me intercede for him." He then said: "So they will intercede." [Related by Ahmad]

Giving charity: Ibn 'Abbas, may Allah be pleased with him, said:

"The Prophet, peace be upon him, was the most generous among people, and he was more generous during the month of Ramadhan." [Related by Muslim]

I'tikaf: Which is to confine oneself in the masjid for prayer and invocation leaving the worldly activities. It is surprising that many people have abandoned i'tikaf though the Prophet never abandoned it from the time he arrived to Madinah until he died. Ibn 'Abbas, may Allah be pleased with him, said:

"The Prophet, peace be upon him, used to perforrn i'tikaf during the last ten days of Ramadhan." [Related by Muslim]

Supplication: Allah said:

"And when My slaves ask you (O Muhammad) concerning Me, then answer them, I am indeed near to them. I respond to the invocations of the supplicant when he calls on Me." [Al-Qur'an 2:186]

This is an encouragement for the fasting person to increase his invocation. The Prophet, peace be upon him, said:

"Three invocations will be answered: The invocation of the fasting person, the invocation of the oppressed, and the invocation of the traveler." [Related by Muslim]

Repentance: Ramadhan is the time of repentance and return to Allah, for it is a time when the devils are chained, and when many people are saved from hell fire every night by the grace of Allah.

Applying oneself in all good deeds in the last ten days of Ramadhan: Aishah, may Allah be pleased with her, said:

"When the last ten days come, he would pray most of the night and wake his family, and apply himself, and tighten up his loincloth." She also said:

"The Messenger of Allah used to strive in the last days of Ramadhan more than he did during the other days." [Related by Muslim]

Abstaining from vain talk: Sins decrease the reward of fasting although they do not annul it. The Prophet, peace be upon him, said:

"Fasting is not [only] abstaining from eating and drinking, but abstaining from vain and obscene talk, so if someone insulted you or wronged you say: I am fasting." [Related by al-Hakim] He also said:

"Whoever does not abandon lying, then Allah does not need him to abandon his food and drink." [Related by al-Bukhari]

COMMON ERRORS DURING RAMADHAN

Excessive spending: Ramadhan should be a time to avoid being wasteful, and learning to be prepared in facing harder times by distinguishing the needs from the luxuries. Unfortunately, many people go beyond their limits to spend during Ramadhan. Whether in the varieties of food that they savor each night, or by the other types of spending.

Staying awake during the night and sleeping during the day: Some people sleep during most of the day when they are fasting. Ramadhan is not a time of being lazy, and this do not allow the full benefit from the experience of fasting. It is as if they have only inverted their nights into days and vice versa. In addition, some may spend a great portion of the night indulging in eating and drinking and socializing.

Spending more time socializing: Because people invite each other more often during Ramadhan they do tend to spend more time socializing with friends, and relatives. While it is a good deed to feed the fasting person, this should not result in precious time lost in vain talk. Use the occasion for remembering Allah and offering additional prayers, and for da'wah to Allah.

Insisting on performing a certain number of raka'at during the tarawih prayer: to the point of not praying behind the Imam and thus forfeiting the benefit of congregational prayer. This might also bring hatred and disagreement between the Muslims of one community.

Reading the Qur'an too fast: Some insist on finishing the whole Qur'an once or more, even if they have to read very fast. Although reading the Qur'an many times is desirable, this should not be done hastily, especially during the tarawih prayer without pondering upon its meaning. Allah, the Most High, said:

"This is a Book which We have sent down to you, full of blessings that they may ponder over its verses." [Al-Qur'an 38:29]

The Prophet, peace be upon him, said:

"Those who read the Qur'an in less than three days do not grasp its meaning"

Socializing in i'tikaf: Many people are eager to do i'tikaf but some confine themselves in the masjid not to pray and worship Allah but to talk and socialize.

The ways of doing good are numerous in Ramadhan. Many people try to perform more than they are able to. By going beyond their capabilities, they end up not performing any deed in the desired way. Scholars and du'at should assume a more prominent role in educating the people - both by talking to them and by giving the best example in their behavior which should comply to the Shari'ah and following the Sunnah. The Muslim should realize that his priorities dictate that he does what benefits him in the Hereafter and should not put worldly interests first.

The Muslim should apply himself to deepen his sense of following the Sunnah of the Prophet, peace be upon him, in every aspect of his life, at all times and especially during the month of Ramadhan. This necessitates seeking more knowledge about the Fiqh of fasting and its etiquette, assimilating the wisdom and goals of fasting, and facilitating the means that allow all the Muslims to benefit from their fasting.

We ask Allah to accept our fast and our good deeds.

Gelama
lendir
balgam
pekat
hitam
melekit
jelek
yang merangkak
kembali
ke tekak yang mual
berdahak-dahak
menjeluak
sedaya upaya
membuangnya
melemparkannya
jauh
dari jasad
yang tidak sanggup
menjadi tuan rumahnya
lagi.

Don't feel...

like blogging...

Advice for the Beginner

These verses are attributed to Imām Shāfiýi:

Let time pass by, and do as it wishes;
Be strong when the decreed is delivered to you.
Wail not for your afflictions in the night
For, worldly miseries are not everlasting

When calamity strikes, face up like a man
And let your traits be that of forgiveness and fidelity
If your flaws are plenty and are manifest
And your wish is that they be concealed

Know, that forgiveness hides every fault
And how many flaws are veiled by generosity!
Neither does agony abide, nor happiness
And neither bad-times nor times of joy and comfort

Never should you seek to humiliate your enemies
Because the desire to disgrace them is in itself a malady
Do not expect forgiveness from a miser,
The parched do not quench their thirst from fire

Your sustenance will not diminish by neglect,
And it will not increase by exertion or by more toil
When you have a heart that is satisfied, content -
You will be like the one who owns the whole world

And those who have entered the sphere of death
The earth cannot hide them nor heavens
Surely, the land of Allāh is vast, but -
When misfortune strikes, the air becomes stifling

Let the world betray and deceive every moment -
No matter what; there is no escape from death.

Dīwān ash-Shāfiýī p.111; Khazānatu’l Adab 2/426; Jawāhiru’l Adab p.665

One day less...

hari ni ulangtahun ke-41 saya.
orang yang patut ingat
tak mengingati langsung
tapi saya pun tak berapa merayakan
harijadi ni....kerana ia lebih mengingati saya
kepada masa saya yang makin berkurangan
di dunia ini
dan betapa kurangnya bekal saya
untuk dunia yang lain yang lebih "nyata" atau "realiti sebenar"

tick
tock
tick
tock...

tiada hadiah
tiada ucapan
hadiah yang terakhir
sebuah mercedes
setelah sekian lama bersusah...
yang tidak dipohon
atau disangka
dan juga telah diambil kembali
saya suka mercedes itu
hanya kerana saya suka kereta
bukan kerana mahu menunjuk
tetapi memang jadi passion saya dari kecil
koleksi kereta model saya sudah lama menghilang
hanya tinggal hanya scrapbook dari zaman tadika
yang sudah dimakan anai2...
melihat bentuk merc coupe saya model 89 dari jauh
bagi saya seperti seorang lelaki menikmati potongan badan
wanita cantik
yang menggiurkan
mahu saja saya "run my hands along her curves"
sekarang hanya Pesona
yang tidak mempersonakan
tetapi cukup untuk memastikan saya tidak patah kaki

saya terserempak kereta lama saya
di traffic light tempoh hari
dibawa oleh seorang wanita cantik
dicat, diletakkan tayar besar, sport rim baru
selamat tinggal
"good to see you again"

saya tidak seperti wanita lain
mengharapkan wang
atau baju cantik
atau kalung emas
atau rumah berhias
memang tak ada pun semua itu
tak pernah ada

tetapi
hari ini
saya nak belanja
diri saya

makan
kasut baru
baju baru

Kereta baru...mungkin satu hari nanti...
1990 SL convertible
dan saya boleh main dari jauh
dengan retractable hardtopnya
berjam2.

Lepas makan
lepas memakai kasut baru
baju baru

saya akan memikirkan
bagaimana
harus saya
mengejar masa
yang makin pantas
mendahului saya

mungkin saya tidak akan
di sini untuk menyambut
ulang tahun ke-42

mungkin saya akan berada di alam
lain
yang tidak seperti alam ini
alam yang menakutkan, mengerikan
atau alam yang lebih bahagia dan bermakna
dari sekarang.

Orang selalu cakap
"make a wish"
I "wish"
I will not run out
of time.

At the wrong time.

Selamat Hari Jadi.

"When the heart speaks, the mind finds it indecent to object."
– Milan Kundera

The Trumpet of the Swan

In an effort to fight my mid afternoon drowiness and complete my "soon to be overdue if I don't buck up" task, I mindlessly googled The Trumpet of the Swan. Well, I'm quite sure there was a reason why I did, but I can't for the life of me remember now.

The Trumpet of the Swan by EB White was one of my best loved books as a kid, sent to me all the way from California by my eldest sister (together with many model car kits which I enjoyed spending hours gluing together...Mustangs, Mustangs, Mustangs. Always Mustangs, she sent me). We were also introduced to his other books, Stuart Little and Charlotte's Web, which were such a joy to read, compared to watching the pathetic excuses of movies which totally ripped away the images I conjured up as I read the books. DVDs and movies spoil the pleasure of imagination we once had as kids. Now my own kids, are just too lazy too read the originals. My fault I guess. My lapses as a mum.

Oh. Yes. I googled Trumpet of the Swan, and I came across this piece, which coincidentally was written fro the July/August 2009 issue of the Orion.

What a beautiful review of the book and its background. As a commenter put it, its an intricate weave of the literary, of personal memories and feelings conjured by the book, of environmental awareness, of science and might I add, the arts.

You can read it here.

The Trumpet of the Swan

Storybook creatures and the revival of a species
by Kim Todd
July/August 2009 Orion magazine

I don't know where my copy went to. But I'm going to get another one and read it to my kids.

O Weary Wanderer
come home now
for
it is time
for me
to lock you up
and throw the key away
far, far away
so you can't slip out
anymore
and no one
can slip
in.

To draw you out
and leave you to wander
again.

Further
further
further...
than ever
before...
lest you may never
find your way back
home
again.

Love your neighbors

Will it be self-defense if someone smashes the kid next door's thick skull with the metal spoon he is continuously banging his mother's pans with since this morning? After one bashes the mum with the chappati tawa itself?

Will it be temporary insanity?

Absolutely justifiable homicide?

A crime of passion?

Yes..one simply cannot be faulted for being driven (in fantasyland) to find a satisfying end to the endless "banging on the bongos like a chimpanzee" (that the boy is).

One needs to work. One needs peace. And only a cup of tea and the soft breeze. And a view of the endless blue skies that have cleared of the Indonesian-generated smog they call "haze".

Yes... pesky neighbours.

I would suggest we NUKE the Indons. And get our supply of fresh air and blue skies back. I don't care if those in KL die from the locally generated smog that is er...localized. At least from my hill, I can still breathe.

But the Indons. They just fart everywhere. Rude buggers. (Hey, don't blame the Malaysian plantation companies..blame your ownselves for being corrupt and ALLOWING it to happen!)

Nuke them I say.

Would solve MANY problems. Including crime. And rid myself of certain in-laws.

And relieve me of my annual smog-induced SAD. Yesterday my brain was as smoggy as the Indons' fart. Well, only those who know, know what I mean. The others, save it. Or better yet, stick it.

But for now, I just want the little monkey next door to stop.

Maybe I will call the Perhilitan people.

Semalam...

...I made roast chicken (whole), couscous and salad. It was the first time I made couscous...suprisingly simple. Just boil water, dump the couscous and let it absorb the water for 5 minutes. Season with olive oil and salt.
Ze couscous in tajine ala morroco...gambar hiasan...yang betul dah habis dimakan

My kids love everything I cook. They love all kinds of food. Even gulai rebung with daging salai. Gulai perut. Sambals. Dhalls. Sushi. Etc. Etc. So do I. I love my own cooking. Yes, I am that narcissistic. When I cook, I go for 2nd and 3rd helpings. Sakinah goes for 5. Maryam will still be nibbling at her first when I've already started to clear the table. A dainty eater. But kills the dining partner. Each bite is like one billionth of a nanometer. She has a big mouth and big laugh. But when she eats. It's sheer torture for the one watching. And waiting, and waiting, and waiting...and waiting...and waiting...and...you get the picture.

Anyways, my roast chicken was fabulous. First time I made it whole too. I only use loads of olive oil, garlic, onions and rosemary flakes. And dollops of butter (not the killer, plasticky margarine...at least with butter, you die HAPPY, because it tastes like manna from heaven). The chicken I rub with rock salt, and stuff whole garlic pips under the skin all over. I only buy chicken from Dr Zainal, because I know he doesn't feed them other chickens' leftover parts, or worse, aliens ground up. I don't want to get Mad-Chicken Disease as in Mad Cow Disease. The cows go mad because they are forced to go against their nature and eat other ground up cows (or what remains of them) instead of good old grass. Who wouldn't go mad being forced to eat their own mother or brother who used to "MOO" beside them before being led to the slaughter house? Half of us humans are also mad, because at one time, bread conditioners/softeners were derived from human hair. So many of humanity are closet cannibals. Which explains the blood-lust in the Bush/Livni/Olmert/Obummer kinds. That's only half the story, this human hair thingy. You don't wanna know the rest.

Just stay organic and simple and stick to the Pasar Tani ulams and stuff.

I cover the chicken in foil first and roast it for an hour to cook it throughly, before browning it uncovered, till the skin is crispy and the halved potatoes, carrots and whole onions nicely browned along. You can also stuff the cavity with cooked rice flavored with saffron and almonds and raisins for a Morrocan/Algerian twist. But I stuffed my chicky with a halved lemon and loads of garlic and onions.

A one dish meal for the lazy ones.

Ini gambar hiasan. Mine was moist with lots of olive oil and chicken juices. Tak sempat tangkap gambar...sebab dah kena sambar.

The salad I forgot to crumble the feta cheeselah! Otherwise, It would have looked like this:


And today...

We eat outlah. Malas nak masak.

Grey Gardens

I watched Grey Gardens last night.

Starred my fav actresses, Drew Barrymore and Jessica Lange. Barrymore is one great actor. And I admire her for pulling herself out of the hell she descended into at such a young age. Heck, I'm even starting to admire Britney and the way she came back. People built her up and then ravaged her like vultures when she f stemming from envy, watching them crumble. Well, I wouldn't want to lead the same lives as some of the rich, famous and clueless, whose only aim is life is to get rich and then stupidly drunk, but I loathed seeing the way Britney was hammered by the our hypocritical society.

Anyway, the movie revolves around a reclusive once socialite mum and daughter, Edith "Big Edie" Bouvier Beale and Edith "Little Edie" Beale, (they shared the same name), the aunt and first cousin of Jackie Bouvier Kennedy. They lived in a crumbling 28-room mansion in the wealthy postal code of East Hampton, New York. After the older Edith's husband left her for another woman (same cause always), mother and daughter continued to live in the mansion which mum refused to give up in squalor and isolation as their trust fund dried up.

The younger Edith first went to New York to pursue her dreams of becoming an actress, fell in love with a married man who then dumped her (it was only sex! are you trying to sabotage my marriage?! he snarled at her when she naively thought she meant more and dropped by his hotel unannounced, not knowing wifey was there...). I find it hilarious. That men always play the victim in this game. You can't win either way. You become a loyal wife, full-time mum, your life revolves around him and kids...he still strays, looking for something more. You are an independent careerwoman, not a fulltime homemaker, which some men look for too, and then he still strays and looks for a submissive one. And then you have the cowardly ones...who want to stray, but still keep their marriage. And fuck everyone else up with their games and deceit. As long as they don't get burned, that's fine. Everything else is collateral damage. Never mind that the goods very already damaged by someone elses' game.

Men sure played a huge part in the descent of these two ladies. The mum refuses to give up her memories and life she shared with the ex-husband in the mansion, and the daughter , manipulated by the lonely mum, and newly broken-hearted by the married cad, gives in to her mum's pleading to come home and give up her dreams.

And so, they live for decades together. A strange, mutually dependent relationship.

A story of love, sacrifice, duty and broken dreams.

At the end of the story, based on a 1975 documovie on this "couple's" life,"Little" Edie who finally manages to lead her life after mum dies, selling the house and peforming in cabarets and living in different cities, had this to say, "my mother gave a me a priceless life". Go figure.

Watch the unbearable filth the two lived in...and know that people actually DO live in such conditions all over the western "developed" world...

Depressing, yet heartwarming at the same time. Especially how "Little" Edie keeps her faith and joy of living under such conditions and her mother keeps her pillar of strength persona despite her needing her daughter.

A MUST WATCH film about life. And read this fascinating encounter and interview HERE with Little Edie by Gail Sheehy.

Doktor cakap tadi, jantung mungkin bermasalah.

I feel pregnant, like a baby kicking me continuously in the solar plexus.

Continuous fluttering, and sudden kicks that take the breath outta me.

Saya cakap kat dia, dah memang bermasalah sijantung hati saya ni.

Doktor suruh buat stress test dan ECG sebab ada family history sakit jantung. Saya tak mahu tau details tu semua.

We're all gonna die anyway.(dia baru jugak bukak cawangan executive screening...so maybe he wants to make money tak? dunno lah...can't even trust a doctor nowadays...can't trust anyone...just trust my gut that it will go off with diet and exercise).

Now stop kicking me, whatever you are. Stop your tentacles from grabbing and constricting and fiddling with me pump.

(I think its an alien, like in Alien, where something just comes out through your gut and grabs the person sitting next to you...hahaha)