Late for a reason

Late. I'm always late for everything. Kids' school, appointments, everything.

Today I left early for my doctor's appointment at Pantai. I took the Duke so I wouldn't be late. I was 5 minutes away from the hospital when I made a wrong turn leading to Penchala (wherever the heck that is) despite the fact that I used the same route about seven times before.

I looked at the clock on the dashboard and the traffic jam I turned into and called the nurse. "I'm going to be late". "Doctor can't wait, he will leave by 2.45", she answered. Since it was 15 minutes to that and probably an hour to find my way out of that godforsaken place called Penchala, I said, "ok...tell him I took a wrong turn and won't make it in time".

I felt disappointed. I needed to see him. I suddenly felt "abandoned". Exaggerated as that feeling was, because it wasn't his fault anyway, I still felt "abandoned". So I drove around with tears in my eyes (well, it was hell week ie PMS week, so everything was doubly painful) for an hour trying to find my back home, when I ended up, OF ALL PLACES, outside the Bukit Kiara burial grounds. Eba. My father was buried there. I was speeding, and couldn't make the turn in time. I'm an autopilot kinda driver, so I exited somewhere and just drove by instinct and found my way back to the burial grounds. The first time I had come alone.

I suddenly missed Eba so much, I and couldn't wait to see his grave. There were rows and rows of new graves and his was lost in the huge maze. After 30 minutes of going round in circles, I went to the office to ask for the records. I lost his lot number I saved in my phone.

462. His was number 462. Found it.

The moment saw his name on the tombstone, I started crying. I missed him very much. I never got to see him when he passed because I was in the US when he died after his bypass. Hadn't seen him for 2 years. He called on the day he died from the nurses' station, a little lost from his major operation, and I managed to tell him I loved him very much and asked for his forgiveness. I didn't know he was going to die. He did later that night. We decided only my brother would come home from Scotland as he was the eldest.

And so, I had to deal with it alone. I was alone during the holidays then. My roommate had gone back for the winter hols. It was the 31st of December 1989. That was the day he died. It was such a beautiful blue sky day, that it felt so unreal. I was the apple of his eye, who hurt him a lot. But he stood by me anyway. And he was gone. I dropped all my winter classes. My professor and some good American friends offered to be there for me, but I didn't feel like talking to anyone about it.

He was the only one who believed in me. As I sat there by his grave, the tears fell hot and heavy and fast, and I prayed for him. Prayed for Allah to forgive him and my mother who is frail and half of herself after his death. I prayed for Allah to grant him Jannah and to forgive his failings and what he did not manage to accomplish. He was a good man. He tried his best. He was always kind to the poor and the orphans. He took good care of us, this illiterate man who came from Pakistan as a boy with his uncles...who struggled to earn a living, and ended up a successful trader. He and Ami gave us the love of books and learning.From illiteracy, he ended up having to wrest from us the latest Reader's Digest or Newsweek, having taught himself to read with the help of his uncles.

Eba, I'm sorry I got irritated as a younger child when you asked me to write your letters for you.

Eba, I miss our Sunday drives.

Eba, I miss hearing you get up so early in the morning and make your cup of tea.

Eba, I miss hearing your car drive up and reverse into out garage downhill at precisely 6.30pm.

Eba, I miss sitting on the swing with you in the evenings.

Eba, I miss you and I love you.

You are the only man who stood by me and really loved me. You took good care of us and Ami.

Ami, I so sorry I haven't seen you for the past month since you last stayed with me for Eid.

Ya Allah, please let me be able to see her this weekend.

Don't leave me with regrets.

I must go tomorrow.I can't wait for the weekend.

It could be too late.

But today...today I was late for reason.

I was late so I could be with my father again.