A Reality Check

A friend came to me, feeling distraught, confused, ashamed, angry at herself for making the same mistakes over and over. Loneliness, desperation to fill the voids left by her spouse who abandoned the marriage the cowardly way, by taking another wife, distorted perceptions of love, struggles to regain her self-esteem and footing...always led her to take the wrong steps leading to wrong men/wrong actions that only ended badly and battered her psyche more. Why do I keep getting rejected? Why do I fall for the wrong people? Why do I get the wrong signals?

Why is do I keep falling in love so often and end up getting burned again and again? She asked.

Well friend...love is not that easy to fall into. Love (marriage) takes time and patience. Knowing each other as separate, distinct persons, respecting each others needs and proclivities, acknowledging their human-ness, not having unreasonable expectations, going with the flow ie "dancing' with/to the other's rhythm, and not imposing ours on them. Knowing and accepting each's responsibilities, caring for and supporting each other as partners in life.

Love is not what we see on TV...a glance, a word, instant attraction,instant reciprocity, instant gratification, romance, the need to absorb and be absorbed...true love is NOT blind. The love that we often see/expect is really "anti-love". What society, books, Hollywood, Bollywood sells. Anti-love only leads to anti-climax, destruction, disappointment, heartbreak, battered esteem and anger. Anger that the one didn't turn out to be who we wanted him/her to be, based on false beliefs and expectations and popular culture.

I'm still trying to understand myself, this thing we call love/we THINK is love...its not easy to UNTHINK in this environment borne of so many long held and nurtured illusions and false hopes.

But dear friend, we will go into that later. I just want to tell you...that all your constant headlong blunders into what you think is "love" could well be explained as mere "infatuation" as I posted below for you. Just to tell you, that NO, you are not crazy, and you are not alone, you're human...and to help you keep yourself in check, the next time...before you fall.

I know you desperately want to fill that void he left, but believe me...another man/person is not the answer...the answer will come in time, when you allow yourself to wait, be patient, be kind to yourself, stop blaming yourself, and fill the void with something else...the magic of self-discovery. No one, spouse or otherwise can save anyone else's life. Dependency on another will only lead to self-destruction. It's not in anyone else. It's in YOU.

And you are a wonderful person. Everyone is. If they only give themselves the time and space and quiet to let her/him emerge. No expectations. Just acceptance.

As is.

Allah Subhanahu wa Ta’ala has promised us that He will not change a person’s condition until the person changes himself or herself.

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My Definition Of Infatuation:
Infatuation Makes You Blind, Deaf, and Dumb
by Ken Johnston

We need a new definition of infatuation, because the common definitions don't help us. I'll show you what I mean.

One dictionary's definition of infatuation: "Be inspired by an intense, but short lived, passion or admiration for." That's only a tiny part of the story.

Wikipedia's definition of infatuation is much more complete, but they don't define infatuation, they instead, refer to it as "Limerance" a word first coined by Dorothy Tennov a professor of psychology.

Here's an excerpt of the Wikipedia's definition of infatuation: (Limerance)

Limerence is a state of mind characterized by intrusive thinking, longing, uncertainty, hope, misperception, fantasies, and passion. Limerence has been described as 'having a crush,' 'infatuation,' 'passionate love,' 'puppy love,' 'romantic love,' or 'being in love.' It is important to note that limerence is neither love nor sexual attraction. Love, sexual attraction, and limerence can all exist without each other or any or all of them can coexist together.

Additionally, Tennov lists certain basic components that expand the definition of infatuation very helpfully.

Limerence has certain basic components

• intrusive thinking about the limerent object
• acute longing for reciprocation
• some fleeting and transient relief from unrequited limerence through vivid imagining of action by the limerent object that means reciprocation
• fear of rejection and unsettling shyness in the limerent object's presence
• intensification through adversity
• acute sensitivity to any act, thought, or condition that can be interpreted favorably, and an extraordinary ability to devise or invent "reasonable" explanations for why neutral actions are a sign of hidden passion in the limerent object
• an aching in the chest when uncertainty is strong
• buoyancy (a feeling of walking on air) when reciprocation seems evident
• a general intensity of feeling that leaves other concerns in the background
• a remarkable ability to emphasize what is truly admirable in the limerent object and to avoid dwelling on the negative or render it into another positive attribute.

I consider this list to be a wonderfully accurate listing of the characteristics of infatuation. They are almost all present when a person experiences infatuation.

My Definition of Infatuation: Temporary Insanity

I define infatuation as temporary insanity that makes a person deaf, blind, and dumb.

Infatuation is a form of madness. (It is also the about the most wonderful, amazing, incredibly good feeling we can have.)

Infatuation feels like love, looks like love, and is very commonly mistaken for love — but infatuation isn't love. We know it can't be love, because it always fades away and doesn’t come back — with the same person. Whereas love will stay after infatuation disappears.

Infatuation feels so good that some people even become serial infatuators, jumping from partner to partner, always seeking the high that infatuation brings. Infatuation can be addictive.

Infatuation makes even insignificant things seem "magical"

My definition of infatuation includes it's role as an intensifier of feelings.

Infatuation does powerful, magical things. Infatuation 'magnifies' the intensity of feelings you get from shared experiences with your partner. Real love is the sum of the positive bonds you build up from shared positive experiences with your partner. The size of the good feeling is intensified, or 'magnified' by the madness of infatuation.

Infatuation blinds you to your partner's human-ness

My definition of infatuation includes the insanity it produces: Infatuation is a form of madness because you lose touch with reality.

Eventually, you're going to realize that your partner isn't the most perfect, beautiful or handsome, and loving person in the whole world.

You'll see that your partner is really just a person with the normal number of flaws and idiosyncrasies.

While you're infatuated, however, you're 'blind' to your partner's faults, weaknesses, and failings. It seems your partner is perfect in so many ways.

Infatuation makes you 'dumb' and 'deaf,' too

Infatuation makes you 'dumb' because you lose touch with things that are really important to you in your life, like your education, your parents and family, your friends, your career, your goals, your values, and much more.

Life becomes temporarily all about your partner and those other things seem to fade in importance.

Infatuation makes you 'deaf' to the opinions and observations of family and friends who care a great deal about you.

Infatuation always goes away. While it seems painful at the time, it's a good thing that the madness fades away and reality returns.

No one could go through life with the intensity of focus infatuation brings. During infatuation, you could talk all night. You can survive with almost no sleep. You can ignore your responsibilities. You may pay no attention to your health.

Not everybody gets infatuated with their partner. You still can have a wonderful life-long, bonded relationship with your partner without ever having been infatuated. But, If you don't know or realize what infatuation is, you can make some very big mistakes.

Jeanette

Jeanette was happily married, raising a family, but had never felt the madness of infatuation with her husband. So, when she began to feel infatuated with a coworker, she thought that finally, she had found her true love, and she must have missed true love in her marriage.

Poor Jeanette simply didn't understand what infatuation was. She didn't realize that what she had with her husband was real love, and what she had with her coworker was simply infatuation that would soon fade away.

Alicia

Alicia didn't realize that infatuation would fade away, and when it did a few months before her wedding, she thought she had fallen out of love with her fiancé.

She got cold feet and canceled her engagement. She had simply begun to see him as a real person, not the unreal person she had conjured up under the influence of infatuation.

Infatuation and You

May you have the good fortune to experience infatuation with your partner. May you cherish the incredibly intense memories of shared bonding experiences you have while infatuated.

May you wisely accept the return of reality and lovingly accept that your partner is simply a person with all the strengths and failings of any normal human.

While bonded with your partner, may you never experience the madness of infatuation again — with someone else. And, if you do, may you turn away, run with the wind, and know that infatuation with another person is madness gone astray.

If you need to find out how to get over an unwanted infatuation, read "Help Me, Help Me Please." (It will open in a new window so you won't lose your place.)