Wednesday May 27, 2009
Study confirms mothers-in-law are the chief cause of divorces
By YENG AI CHUN
KUALA LUMPUR: Every married person knows it, but a local study has confirmed it – mothers-in-law are the chief cause of divorces, especially in the Indian community.
Data in the Malaysia Community and Family Study 2004 by the National Population and Family Development Board (LPPKN) revealed that “meddlesome in-laws” is the number one reason why Indian couples get divorced.
It is also among the top three factors for divorce among the Malays and Chinese. The other two factors are incompatibility (42.3%) and infidelity (12%).
“Interference by in-laws is the main reason for Indians to divorce. It is the top-ranked reason at 30%,” said LPPKN director-general Datuk Aminah Abdul Rahman when presenting a paper on Malaysia’s family profile and its effects at Institut Kefahaman Islam Malaysia yesterday.
Infidelity is the marriage breaker among the Malays and Indians but it is tolerated among the Chinese.
“Among Malays, the second most common reason is infidelity and refusal to put up with polygamy,” she said.
“Among the Indians, infidelity is the second highest ranked reason for divorce at 25%,” she said.
However, the Chinese considered infidelity as the least crucial reason for a divorce.
Cheating was at the bottom along with health and gambling addiction at 4.2%.
Surprisingly, abuse is not a reason for divorce among the Malays and Chinese, but is a reason among Indians at 5%.
“Another overall reason which ranked high among the three races at 11.5% is ‘not being responsible’,” she said.
Although it is common perception that the family institution is quite fragile and divorces are rampant, data shows otherwise - only 0.7% of the population was divorced in 2000.
The data shows that divorce is more likely to happen to those under 25 and above 40.
Meanwhile, Women, Family and Community Development Minister Datuk Seri Shahrizat Abdul Jalil said that more Malaysian women were choosing to marry later in life and it could cause a reduction in fertility rate and an ageing society.
“The National Family Policy and its action plan will address this issue of late marriages,” she said.
The policy would be presented to the Cabinet soon.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
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9 comments:
My ex-husband punya mother dulu is an angel of a woman. Soft spoken, good cook, and never had anything bad to say about anybody.
Won't blame her for my marriage breakdown! Hehehe....
VA,
Heheh...I'm not blamin anyone here (or perli...just posting the news),
tapi memang betul lah...indian, punjabis...MIL suka control (except for my mum...the most hands off MIL ever...hehe...)
Malay MIL...they just let their sons play around and look on affectionately/indulgently...from what I've seen lah around me and my friends/neighbours
Or maybe all mothers are like that...sons can do no wrong :)
Dear Saya
It is more the failure of men to be true stewards fo the family that leads broken to homes. Or at least such it is IMHO.
Be it against the onslaught of a mother-in-law or no, a man leaves his mother and father and cleaves unto his wife, and the two are made one. It is to his wife that he now owes his loyalty, as it is through his wife that life springs anew and the family proceeds forward.
It is also for mothers to release their sons to raise their families as they see fit. The error of your ways in raising them are not made right by the reins you draw on the filial piety of your sons (I am so sorry...reins, filial).
When one's loyalty has been thus pledged, then infidelity is to be dealt with in keeping with that pledge.
I do not say that women are blameless in this. But so many are the families rent by the waning of strength amongst men in bearing what belongs upon their shoulders, as so sacred an agreement was entered of their own free will.
Hence, it ends with us, when fathers answer the call, to raise our sons in the irrepressible truth that we have an undertaking that cannot be passed on to any other. No better a teacher can a father employ than the gentleness of his own hand upon his wife and daughters, that our sons may see that it is not a yoke upon our shoulders but a privilege. The better way lies with us, and not with anyone else.
Exactly..for majority of Malay moms, infidelity or domestic violence is always the fault of daughters-in-law.
Tak pandai layan suamilah, takpandai ini and itu..I akan chase my sons if any of them mistreats their wives..memang I kejar dengan golfstick!
Dear Jeffrey,
So eloquently and beautifully said, as usual!
(now I'm like..ish...macam mana nak jawab ni as eloquently and diplomatically...heheh. I kinda fail in that department) :D
For a Muslim (point of view), the mother still holds a special place for the husband (as a son, he still is responsible for her in her old age and must fulfill her rights), but the wife too still has a right to live separately and without interference from others, as the marriage like you mentioned, is between the man and the woman and they both deserve to have their privacy and space for intimacy and life together.
The last part of your comment says it all. The father/husband is after all the head of the family, the captain of the ship and an example for his family.
Marriage is no walk in the park, it takes time, effort, patience and hard work, but sadly many just go into it with unrealistic expectations of "happily ever after" and look for ways to bail-out (divorce/affairs/new partner)when things aren't like what they dreamed it would be.
Of course it never is.
Infidelity is tough. Once the trust and belief is damaged, its very hard to recover. The very basis of a marriage is trust and loyalty. How can one live in intimacy with someone he/she cannot trust and be open with anymore?
(that's my naive view lah :) )
Mamasita,
I can imagine you doing that...heheh.
Dear Saya
You need never be vexed over matching my remarks. Yours are gems in themselves, or have you not read what you have written? Therein lies a sparkler, for you said 'expectations of "happily ever after" .'
There is no illusion in that. The happily does come, ever after, we have stayed true, in restraint and patience, to wait for the storm to blow over, for the tempest must not be exceeded by the fires of the foundations of love upon which your home is built. And blow over, ever it shall. And the happiness waits, after.
I struggle against my 15 year old son, he being so like Proteus that I weary sooner than my endeavour begins, as I try to school him in the imperatives of restraint. He does not concur with my opinion that his ultimate training and test in matters of self restraint lie in his mother and sisters.
That word does not exist in his dictionary. Relax, Repast, Revulsion, Roll-My-Eyes, yes....but alas, not Restraint.
Please lend me that golfstick.
Saya, yes Jeffrey's last paragraph says it all, (hear, hear).
And wise is the MIL who views her children's marriages at arm's length but pulls in the reins when she detects trouble ahead - not menghasut nor interfering, but advising, and slow-talking to keep the masjid standing :-)
Dear Jeffrey,
15 is a difficult age to be, with all the growing pains and biological changes...sullenness/moodiness/rebelliousness/risk-taking/impulsiveness/emotional distancing from parents/peer pressure and reliance on friends etc etc...are all part of the physiological and psychological changes....teen angst is real :)
He must be going through a hard time too (just as you are as a parent trying to reach him), feeling that no one understands him (like all teens do).
I'm sure with your continued guidance and patience, he will get through this phase and come out a fine young man.
Zendra,
The reining in part to advise tu yang susah nak dilaksanakan...bak kata Mamasita, its always the menantu perempuan at fault...but I'm sure there are many great mums-in-law who are wise....
Kita pun kena jadi good mums lah, to ensure our kids can become good mothers and fathers. :)
Dear Saya
Though you are completely right, there is one other avenue that has fallen out of my reach because society has evolved and we drive cars, not ride horses.
In days of old, a lad was brought to his senses by being sent off to be an esquire. The hoeing of horse manure induced qualities better than horse-sense. I wish such ventures were to my avail.
I suppose there is always Kolej Tentera Udara.
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