A wife's worth

Man, I'm bone tired today.

I couldn't fight the wave of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder affecting the neighbourhood. I just had to clean my house from top to bottom today. All 3k square feet of it. And I still feel dirty. I feel like the bacterial stain of the community. Because I couldn't reach the roof tiles like the Benggali next door.

As I dragged myself out to drive Maryam to school at 11.30, I stopped to chat with the maid caring for my next door neighbor's 6 year old orphan who lost her Mommy to cancer a year ago.

"Seri, akak dah cuci rumah hari ni...angkat tilam, jemur bantal...akak tak tahan tengok Gurmit satu keluarga hari2 cuci atas sampai bawah, belakang, porch depan, kereta...dengan pokok2 sekali dia basuh (ok, that was an exaggeration)...nak pitam dah...baru akak rasa bersih."

Seri said, "Alah..dia orang empat orang, bolehla...akak satu orang, matilah...nak antar anak lagi, masak lagi, kerja lagi... mana nak buat hari2!"

Oh, thank you Seri! I needed some validation tak I wasn't just terkangkang kat rumah as some think housewives and workers-from-home are prone to do (of course we are more prone to curi tulang...katil kat sebelah komputer kan...btw, matilah aku malam ni tak tidur catch deadline...lost half the day cleaning house).

I used to have a cleaning lady...but decided I was a better cleaner. They piss me off. Adeker basuh bilik air dengan mop aku? Pemalas! Aku berus nak separuh mati, depa main jirus air ngan mop jer... Anak aku pun leh basuh main jirus jer macam tu...

Typical scenario. This latest one is named Rena.

"Rena buat ape tu...ok ker? Senyap jer lam bilik air?" She opens the door..."Eh mana berus lantai akak kasi...?" I ask.

"Err...kat bawah..."

"Habis Rena basuh bilik air dengan apa?"

Then I saw the mop. The same mop she used to mop my rooms...

"Aduh...kan akak kasi berus tu sayang oi?"

I had to feign affection when I really wanted to whack her with the brush...see, a friend of mine is living a miserable life purportedly dirasuk by an Indon jin sent by her maid's uncle or something, due to some altercation/misunderstanding and I wanted to avoid any jin sent to me by this Rena because I hurt her feelings by scolding her for using my bloody mop to wipe my bathroom instead of scrubbing it like I do. I have enough jins and satans working overtime in me and around me. I didn't want an Indon one too. My friend Nadzrin of SilatMelayu.com says there is jin he named Martin Hayes (whoever the hell Martin Hayes is) which followed him home from mine after his senaman tua with me and caused havoc on his side (hey, maybe it's a silat jin lah bro!). Anyway, I hope he doesn't come back. Stay with Nadzrin, Mister Martin.

Where was I?

Oh, ok...cleaners. They made me CLEAN UP AGAIN AFTER THEY LEFT! And I paid them for it too. So better I clean up my mess instead of theirs. DOUBLE WORK TAK?

And it feels so much better too...I admired my house after...I felt like a superhousewife. Thank God I don't have much furniture. Easier work... (I also left out two storerooms full of unpacked stuff and just closed the door...what you don't see won't hurt you...and the windows, and blinds, and dusty fans and lights and curtain and grills and a whole lot of other stuff…ah,..what the hell lah…just focus on the clean parts…good enough for me…Tommy Yew the Down Under Malaysia-mari commentator implied I was jaded...that I see the glass as half empty rather than half full...well he is WRONG, cause I see my house as half clean instead of not at all clean now...see? Not jaded at all, still optimistic!).

I was so tired after that feat…I didn’t cook. Just the rice and fixed a salad…and bought the ikan goreng cili Maryam wanted…unloaded it into my serving plate and pretended I made it.

He said, “Eh,mana pulak datang bawal ni, bukan I beli tenggiri ke semalam kat pasar?"

"Ok,ok…I tak masak hari ni, penat giler la clean house tau…malas nak panggil cleaner tu dah…menambahkan kerja lagi!”

“Oklah…nanti I pay you 50 ye...ganti bayar maid tu..."

WTF!!!!

“Er…are you equating my services with that of the Indonesian cleaner? 50 bucks?”

“Eh , itu above what I give you as allowance what…” he said.

“…what about my driver, cook, nurse, nanny, babysitting, washerwoman services? If you employ one from outside, they charge separately for expenses tau...ni I driver, pakai elaun I juga isi minyak...mana aci! Tak masuk lagi macam2 snacks and side trips budak2 to and from sekolah...I think they eat their pencils at school...hari2 kena beli tau.”

See, people think Islam oppresses women. Fact is, men are responsible for all expenses and whatever the woman earns can't be used by him/towards household expenses. That's HERS. Untouchable. Unless she wants to help out, and that is seen as charity towards her family.

And under the circumstances, I wasn't feeling very charitable. I mean polygamy equals orang kaya giler, kan? No? Yeah. Sadly, not usually the case...heheh.

So, he calculated...and realised, yeah...Allowances almost equalled expenses, meaning much nothing left to expend on MYSELF. Women have many needs y'know. And I've deprived myself out of consideration. I want a monthly massage, a monthly facial (dimanjakan like the other wives I hear about living like tai-tais), my wonderbra (at this age, we need those instead of the jual lambak at pasar malam ones, k? never bought one before, dunno how a wonderbra is supposed to look like...) my MAC powder (my one indulgence), my "close-one-eye-at-the-sight-of-the-kitchen" mamak breakfasts (I want someone to serve ME once in awhile ok? who cares if their nails are grimy...) etc, etc, etc....

I told him..."I don't ask for jewellery, fancy furniture, fancy clothes, fancy car etc etc (bodoh tak?)...My friends' husbands (I normally don't give a hoot what others have, but under the circumstances, I wanted to UNGKIT, cause I am still pissed with him) surprise them with gifts, Chopard necklaces lah, cuti Africa lah lah, ini lah itu lah...and what surprise have I gotten lately? A new wife...you surprised me with a new wife!"

And I laughed. Then he laughed. Cause it was true. Well, at least now we COULD laugh about it, instead of wanting to kill each other. So that's good, I suppose. (I still wish SHE would die though...maybe someone will light a ciggie while filling up at her petrol station...and KA BLAMMMM! while she's busy counting the dough in her office...she loves money...I think she bathes naked in the tub with money...)

"Kalau business ok nanti, I nak Merc SLR...tak peduli..." (tamak tak? well better late than never...if ever lah...just testing him...)

"Mak datuk!!!!" he said. "Mana nak dapat banyak tu!"

Sigh. Aren't husbands supposed to bribe the wives when they get another woman? Go figure.

Alamak...it's 12 midnight...I gotta catch that deadline or my client will will...will...will..kill.....

....ZZZZZZZZZZ
ZZZZZZZZZZZZ
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....
zzzzzzzzzzzzz

WAARRRRRGHHHH!!!! MARTIN! MARTIN HAYES! I THOUGHT YOU WERE WITH NADZRIN! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING BACK HERE!!!


Oh...thank God!

Was just a bloody dream. Too much durian.

Sheesh....