Someone said I was fearless. Most people think I'm fearless. Maybe its the way I write and speak publicly. I could go up to Obama if I get to meet him and tell him point blank to stop murdering those innocent peoples of Iraq, Pakistan and elsewhere. Tell him to quit being an Israeli lap wardog and the Arab/Muslim leaders to get (or at least buy with the billions) a spine and a couple of balls.
But inside...privately...
I'm not. Fearless, I mean.
I'm afraid of the dark ( I sleep with the TV on, the light on most times...and end up dead tired the next day from all the noise and emissions...I mean, get real lah...do hantus care if its pitch dark or light when its 3 am and you're all alone...they're gonna come anyway, kan?)
I'm afraid of heights.
I'm afraid of venturing into large bodies of water coz they give me the sinking feeling that I could get sucked in and never get spat out ever again. Meaning drown.
I'm afraid of hantus revealing themselves to me (they can stay invisible I don't care)
I'm afraid of LRTs that drive themselves. (you people are fools trusting driverless vehicles!)
I'm afraid of getting stuck in lifts (coz they act weird when I'm in them...they just know its me and the doors sometimes refuse to shut, or they don't move, or get stuck between floors...then I feel like I'm going to die and pass out right there and then...and when they had their fun with me...they start moving again...I always know which ones are going to act up)
I fear going to huge malls, coz I can't stand too much visual/aural stimulation and I get vertigo and panic attacks thanks to childbirth (I wish all malls were like the Great Eastern Mall)
I'm claustrophobic...I get the fcuk out when people start piling themselves into the same lift or train or bus, and scream at them to CLEAR THE AREA! for my exit.
I'm afraid of lightning coz I think God is going to strike me down dead for my insurmountable sins (though I know He is Merciful, I'm not sure if I deserve that Mercy) and because my TV and modem blew up next to me once...and once was enough to make me almost pee in my pants
I'm afraid of getting in a car accident and ending up like Niki Catsouras (yet I drive like a maniac...google her and see what I mean)
I'm afraid of pencuris breaking into my house and harming my kids while I'm asleep given the increasing crime rates (so I keep my golf driver next to me to bash the heads out of anyone who dares to do so...wish I had a Glock, but I'm very trigger happy, and half the people around me might end up dead...so that's not quite a good idea)
I'm afraid people won't like me
I'm afraid I might say the wrong thing again and hurt someone or make them angry (which I know I always end up doing)
I'm afraid of trusting anyone ever again (yet I blindly do over and over, baring my heart and soul and guts to all and sundry only to have it all thrown back at me)
I'm afraid that I will let those around me and who need me down (but do it all the time despite trying hard not to)
I'm afraid that once someone falls in love with me
he will fall out of love again when he knows the real me
I'm afraid
of ending up alone
(yet I cherish my moments of solitude and quiet..)
I'm afraid of
every
stupid thing
real or
imagined
Heck, I even scare myself with scary thoughts.
That are not even real.
I'm afraid to be happy too.
Coz I think it won't last.
Or it won't be
true.
Or real.
Says a lot about one's iman doesn't it?
Need to re-examine my faith methinks...
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
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17 comments:
Makcik...me think you think way toooooo much. Put that smart brains of yours into good use lah...whey pi pikir benda bukan2..and if you think of it..all probably will never happen. Start with fear less lah...ok, I want to pi on my trip already, and when I am back, i'll post all those pics for you to drool hehe....MK
exactly the same things i conveyed to my psychologist some time ago
MK,
Sejak azali macam tu apa nak buat...I worried about nuclear war at age 6...muahahaha.
Eh, have fun in Turtle Bay...dont wreck my honeymoon bed...when i get that Turtle bay honeymoon, I will be fine...hahaha
Tok Senek,
Oh thank God I'm not the only psycho...hahahaha...just joking....
Yikes!! Eerily familiar! We have so much in common here... rasa macam i pulak yg tulis post ni hahaha!!
Arrgghhh!!! Nyesal google! Now I can't get the image off my sticky psychotic brain!
markonah, I think everyone has some fear or the other...others good at hiding it...kot lah...hahaha
sapa suruh pi google laaaa...took me amonth to get that image of Niki Catsouras off MY brain...hahaha...tapi makes me drive slower ;)
You mirror my fears too, Saya. You are almost as therapeutic as Oprah, except that you're not telling everyone what to think.
I too, am afraid fo the water, the burglars, spiders, dogs, cows, winding mountain roads and geese. Hey, geese are scary, okay? Ask the snakes.
In the end, there are many of these elements that are larger than I am, and after years of trying to make myself big enough to match my fears, I have decided to concede defeat and allow my fears to be as they are. Anyway the weight gain is thus explained.
They do not curtail my ventures. They remind me to dress for the function that I attend, feast or funeral, ball or bash. If I have not the raiment, I delay my attendance.
In all else within the reach of my arm and the flexure of my sinews, I shall pull upon with what strength I can muster.
And I have arrived at a point where I can live with my fears, which does not equate to living in fear. I shall respect what boundaries loom ahead, stray where mischief allows it and return to be quiet if I do not get caught.
Forgive my verbosity. I just love your honesty, and I find comfort knowing I am not the only one who thinks this way. Except that I will admit without batting my eyelids....
I am a coward.
Hi Jeffrey,
Ah, I wish I were as rich as Oprah...hmmm, maybe I could start a confessions show and get it syndicated too... ;)
Geese are really scary. They, like dogs, sense the fearful ones and come after us pecking away with those huge beaks, so your fears are not unfounded.
Winding mountain roads are lovely to look at, but if ever I want to visit the Karakoram Highway and explore the lovely villages that nestle high up there, I will call Major Jeffrey for an airlift (if I go there in those buses, I will have to call for a medevac by your kindself, as Uban has since retired...hahaha)
Yes, I too have learnt to live with and accept my fears and not crack my head overcoming certain ones. I just avoid such situation which make me have panic attacks/feel uncomfortable. I can live without climbing Devil's Rock or going up the KLCC (unless they make me Chairman of Petronas which I doubt), or go up KL Tower (which my kids did, while I enjoyed a nice cuppa at safer levels in total sanity)
I'm a bit too honest for my own good as some have told me, but what the heck, I'm not ashamed to admit my own failings and humanity or feelings. Well, sometimes I wish I could retract many things, but always too late...heheh.
I have met many cowards, Jeffrey, especially this one which keeps staring back at me in the darn mirror every morning ;)
BTW, Jeffrey,
your son Ethan is a BRILLIANT writer too! I went to his blog and found out that my dear friend Pat is his aunt!
All in the family!
Hey Saya, it has just dawned upon me through reading Mr Matisa's comment that those who fly high up in the clouds do also have fears of things down below. And I thought flying was the ultimate fear to conquer!
As for me hmmm.., I've not encountered any fearful situations before that immediately comes to mind (living such a sheltered life aren't I?) maybe uncomfortable ones like hmmmm..... aah too embarrassing-lah :-)
Zendra...cough it up laaa...tell, tell!
Dear Saya
Yes, I was afraid we would be found out and thus kept quiet....as a fish. Pat is me sister in law, and of Ethan I am guilty as accused. The parallels are too eerie for me to deny that I am indeed father to him. On that token, I thank you for your generosity.
Dear Zendra
Flying is not a fear but a sublime joy. Have you been at the controls of a heavier-than-air craft? I guarantee you this: if you get so far as a first solo, there will be no turning back for you. You will want to take to the air again and again. I treasure my instructor's words when he signed my authorisation for my first solo: "Hey, now go and kill yourself."
And Saya, if you want lady Zendra to cough anything up, save the words. One 360-degree autorotation from 3000 feet to ground level at 1600 feet per minute will not merely induce a cough-up, but a completely barfed confession.
So what's that mirror you look into like? Is it one of those nice concave stand types which makes things look larger than they are? Coz use one just like it with my electric razor.
Dear Jeffrey,
The mirror I look into each day is the el-cheapo one bought at the local hardware store which makes me look the opposite of what I really look like ie Aishwarya Rai.
I too need an electric razor, but I prefer to go for the horrific experience of threading which makes me beg for mercy from Gita, the lady who makes money making women like me cry out in pain.
Mirrors are great big liars I tell ya, the full length floor mirror I have in my room gleefully adds on another 30 pounds or so on my otherwise waif-like frame (yes I am a liar too). Ditto the mall changing-room mirrors, instead of getting us to buy those nice dresses we want to try to stuff ourselves into, they make us want to run out bawling at the sight of the fat, cellulite-ridden woman reflected with such dazzling clarity under the harsh fluorescent lighting)
Mirrors should be banned. They do much damage. Hahaha....
Hahahaha Saya, I like this funny side of you. More of this, please .... and you'll forget all your fears, guaranteed :-)
Mr. Matisa sir, roller-coasting gives me that sublime joy, and it's not quite as expensive. Anyway suffice that one of my 3 sons has that passion for flying, that he quit final year university when he got the call-up from MAS. But as he says that's not as prestigious as flying sukhois. The air-force lads do turn up their noses at the APFT cadets, hahaha.
Dear Saya
The more I read of you the more I have come to believe that there is so much we share, from being Navel Officers to our relationship with mirrors. The exception being that I think you are harsher on your reflection than you need be. I have lived long enough to know that a woman, cellulite. folds, et al, is still a beauty, through some trick that God has bestowed upon herkind. My contention with anything that reflects an image is resignation to the fact that I may starve and workout to the point of death and yet get run over by the LRT before the next scaled-down meal. Better I feast before I perish at someone else's hands and die a happy and sated gastrointestinal tract. Even death row inmates get as good a meal...deal, I mean. At some point in a near-death experience (during combat survival training, perhaps), when soul was separated from body but the Silver Cord not yet severed, He did offer whether I would be fat and witty or skinny and droll. When I came to, Viola!!
Zendra,
I cannot tahan rollercoasters too...hahaha...i think those who ride them are a little crazy...as in can mati katak...hahaha..I don't let my kids ride too...naik kuda ok, diving ok, tapi rollercoaster tak boleh....
Jeffrey,
Heheh...that was what I told Zendra on her blog too...why kill yourself exercising for the perfect body and starve yourself when we're gonna die anyway...might as well die sated like you said...hahaha
Yes, we do have some things in common. I like that Navel Officer quip...heheh..
Oh, I wish more men thought like you about women and beauty!
Yeah, sometimes I'm harsh on myself, but most times I'm like "take me as I am or leave me lah"... ;)
Dear Saya
You bring a smile to my face. Always.
Dear Zendra
I have to be defensive over this one, but towards your son and not the SU-30 pilots, so do not get a start from it:
Only fighter jocks would turn their noses at APFT cadets.
It is true that these cadets will never handle an aerobatic tranier and do slow rolls, loops, Cuban Eights, stalled turns or Immelman Rolls. I mourn now as I remember how I loved aerobatics when I was a student pilot in a Pilatis PC7.
But there is more to flying than stuffing your head full of Hollywood notions of Top Gun or Behind Enemy Lines.
It's simply hubris on the part of fighter jocks.
All of us in the air force know that these ATPL holders earn the big bucks. And they get the cutest stewardesses with impossible dimensions while in the air force, only the VIP squadrons such as No2 Sqn with the Beoing Business Jet and the Falcon or No10Sqn with the Blackhawks have stewardesses. And ours look like step-sisters to Cinderella to boot. Or so it would seem.
True, I should not tar all fighter jocks with the same brush. There are a few whom I have met who are not taken up with self-aggrandisation or the Tom Cruise personna. But rule be than exception, by the time that better sense has dawned on them, they have one foot in the grave and any opportunity to have come across as human has long passed. Yes, I exaggerate, but only to drive home the truth.
And if you knew what I know about the Sukhoi-30s we bought, you would attempt a Guy Fawkes and give fighter jocks the finger.
Forgive me being a long-winded noise bag, but here is a personal sharing:
I too, am used to fighter jocks snubbing and deriding helicopter pilots. During a joint exercise with the Indonesians, I was supposed to be the lead in a Combat-Search-And-Rescue simulation. I approached a MiG-29 figher jock whom I thought was a friend and asked him how it's done. He bellowed quite smugly, "You think you rescue is just a take-off, flying low-level and picking someoen up! You don't know the better! You are just not ready for the real thing!!!" No, he didn't tell me how it's done.
I did not know how to react: this was a friend. And what 'real thing'? The fighter jocks in our country only train! There IS no REAL THING for them.
I kept silent.
2 weeks later, his squadron mate goes missing just 2 minutes after take-off. 6 aircraft search for two days. No result. I was sent to join the search on the second day, at noon. I found the missing fellow at a quarter past five.
No fighter jock of any seniority has ever tried an insult on me ever since.
Your son has outdone us all. Bravo!!
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