Decisions

I have three months. Less than three actually. To make a decision.

"Women who are divorced shall wait, keeping themselves apart, three (monthly) courses. And it is not lawful for them that they should conceal that which Allah hath created in their wombs if they are believers in Allah and the Last Day. And their husbands would do better to take them back in that case if they desire reconciliation. And they (women) have rights similar to those (of men) over them in kindness, and men are a degree above them. Allah is Mighty, Wise." (Al-Baqarah: 228)

If we decide on reconciliation. It would have to be on his terms.

What terms would that be?

Forced to swallow the bitter pill of betrayal day after day and pretend that things are normal?

Normal was us being a family. Normal was me knowing where you were. You knowing where I was. Knowing that you were thinking of me, wherever you were, whatever it was that you were doing. You knowing that I worried if you were working too hard. If you had your lunch. Or dinner. If your things were ready for your next important trip.

Normal was knowing that whatever it is, you would be coming home to us and that we were a family.

Normal was us laughing and fooling around with the kids on the bed when you came home.

Normal was planning our future together, Planning for that corner in the garden where you could enjoy your coffee with me. Normal was planning for the day when you could retire and we could finally spend time together.

Normal was when we felt that bond, that connection even when we weren't together.

Normal was when you called me more than twice a day when you were overseas just to hear my voice.

Normal was when you hated to travel overseas because you missed our babies.

Normal was when you smsed me, "I miss you and the kids".

Normal was when you smsed me, "I can almost see your face at the office, I wish I could come home..."

Yes, you really loved me then.

When you asked me to marry you, I didn't believe in love anymore. But I was taken in by your sincerity. You didn't have a sen on you. You weren't God's gift to womankind. And I wasn't perfect either. And we were on two different wavelengths. My friends were surprised when I married you. We were so different.

But it was enough.

Just the sincerity was enough for me.

Your love was enough for the both of us.

Even though you were never there for me the times I needed you, it was enough.

Now it isn't normal anymore.

There is a stranger in our lives.

This stranger has torn us apart.

The love that I felt is not there anymore. The bond that holds this family together...love, respect, trust, loyalty, presence, mutual goals...is gone.

Coldness, repressed anger, disappointment, resentment, stilted conversations, barely being able to look at each other (when we never used to leave each other without an affectionate hug and kiss)...that is normal for us today.

I can't FEEL that love that I used to feel reaching out to me from wherever you were and with whomever you were with. And while doing whatever it is you were doing.

That isn't normal.

You know what I mean. Don't pretend you don't. You feel it somewhere else now. (What a satisfaction for that someone...)

How can a marriage continue when one party is drifting aimlessly in a separate universe from yours?

How can we keep the family together when we are already so far apart?

I can't be the sacrificial lamb so that you and her can be together and you can have your family here.

I remember the mamak restaurant owner sharing something with me, "Akak, saya kalau isteri sakit, saya jaga sama dia dengan anak2. Hati dia pun mesti mau kena jaga. Macam mana isteri saya mau jaga anak2 saya dengan baik kalau hati dia susah? Isteri mesti mau kena jaga baik2". A simple man he was, but very perceptive.

"You ni tak bersyukur dibela selama ni, diberi makan minum...tak cukup ke?"

I AM NOT A DOG YOU "BELA". I AM A HUMAN BEING. I AM A WOMAN. I NEED MORE THAN FOOD AND WATER.

EVEN A DOG NEEDS LOVE AND AFFECTION OR IT TURNS AND BITES THE HAND THAT FEEDS IT.

You wanted seven kids.

We had two.

And the two have suffered enough.

The adults are all selfish, self-serving, pathetic excuses for humanity.

Our eldest said when I asked her what SHE wanted...she said,"Umi, I just want whatever makes you and ayah happy."

I only ever wanted you and your baby sister to be happy, darling.

I am sorry you do not deserve such parents.

May Allah take your hearts, my dear babies, in His Soothing and Healing Hands and Keep them in His Care.

I need more that to just "dibela". Though I am grateful for you to have "bela" me all this while, I guess you just won't/can't give me what I really need.

Because you can only love one at a time as you belatedly found out.

I am tired of being the punching bag when polygamy gets too be too much for one man.

You don't have to say it. I can simply see it and feel the resentment and your burden, as you can feel mine.

I guess at least one woman will be happy with my decision.

Ah, the crocodile sheds her tears of sadness for all...