At 5 am, I woke up, to the TV blaring and the light on as usual (oh wait, this time the bulb blew, tired from its nightly extended tour of duty, so it was dark and wah! waddaya know, no hantus, after all!).
I wanted to continue my fasting routine before Ramadhan, so I groggily reached for the kurma by my bedside I kept for sahur, ate three, drank some water and dozed off again, not before trying to wake my kids who also wanted to fast but they were like lost in Jackson's Neverland playdreams. Sakinah can always shut her eyes tighter or play deader when I trickle some water on her face (her request; not my sadistic side that was).
At six, woke her up by screaming, "OH MY GOD IT'S 7 AM!!! CIKGU IS GOING TO WHACK YOU AGAIN!" That ALWAYS works. THAT'S my sadistic side. She sits right up, in wide-eyed fear. They always fear cikgus more than us mums.
After dropping her off at school, as I drove back, my tummy started growling. It was a soft sound at first. Then it got louder. And louder. And louder. And louder. I started to hallucinate.
I saw putu mayams...
Rava toseis
Roti canais.
Puris.
Tairu vadais.
Putu Bambus.
Teh tariks.
Nasi Lemaks....
They were floating around in the car, in front of me. Like those heads-up display thingys on 'em Beemers.
It was Satan. Satan. He is a real cunning little devil.
I couldn't bear it. I felt dizzy like I hadn't eaten in 10 days. I drove to the Indian restaurant, sat down as the Hindu idols sneered at me, and ordered tosei and putu bambu and teh tarik. It felt so illicitly sedap.
I will fast on Saturday and Sunday, I promised meself.
Sated, my mind started to wander. I thought about Christopher Walken. A full stomach deadens hearts and kindles other lusts. Maybe I should call him, I thought.
Darn. I don't have his number. The last time I saw him was in a movie on TV with Glenn Close. In the US way back in '90. I should have looked in the phonebook then. Oh well.
Since I'm married, I would probably ge stoned to death it I got him on the phone. So I'm saved.
Yesterday, I posted an article on How to Make Your Wife Happy. I asked my girlfriend Zendy if she knew How to Make Your Husband Happy. She said here it was about sacks. Lots of sacks.
I don't have a clue what she meant. Sacks? What. Of flour? Of cement? The latter brings to mind a mafia-type murder and dump-in-the-lake-weighed-by-cement-block kinda scenario. Not very sacksy at all.
Oh well. Maybe when we meet up for a tairu vadai pre-Ramadhan, she can explain the intricacies of these sacks thingy.
Meanwhile, I'm already home. Too full to walk from my car to the front door. So I sit for a bit, reading the Star. Snatch thieves and robbers on the rise! The police are telling us, "they cannot do all the work, the public must help!"
How? How do we help? I'm getting my bag ripped from behind, dragged to the ground by the speeding motorcycle and my brains are being scattered all over the pavement. I manage to see the number plate and the high-on-ice snatcher's face, but by then I carry the memory with me to my grave. Was that any help MISTER IGP???
I'm already a mum, a driver, a nurse, a driver, a cleaner, a cook, vice-chairman of my residents' association, sufferer of OCD neighbours, washerwoman, grocery shopper, tuition teacher of my kids coz' teachers too nowadays scream "YOU MUST HELP US, TEACH YOUR KIDS AT HOME TOO YOU LAZY BUM OF A MUM, EVEN THOUGH YOU PAY 300 BUCKS A MONTH FOR YOUR KIDS TO BE PRIVATELY SCHOOLED HERE AND GET PERSONAL ATTENTION!!" They are just like 'em cops.
NOW I have to be a policewoman too??? If they gave me a Glock to go with that job. It would be easier, kan?
Or like stoning for illicit affairs with Christopher Walkens, maybe we should just cut off the hands of a couple of snatch thieves and robbers. Hudud works. Tengok berapa ramai boleh rompak orang dengan tangan dan kaki kudung depa. Many politicans will also become OKUs.
But people are more scared of peace than 'em robbers. Robbers have RIGHTS! Scream the liberally stupid liberals. HUDUD is barbaric! They yelp.
More barbaric than murdering mothers with little babies for a couple of handbags and loose change, and breaking into the private sanctuary of your homes where you are supposed to be at your safest?
Bodoh. Bodoh dan sombong.
I gotta go get some sacks.
I have a pounding headache.
ZENDRAAAA!!!!
Thursday, July 16, 2009
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14 comments:
bravo! bravo! encore! encore! sekali sekala rimau ni menulis best baca.
btw, rasanya ada terbaca somewhere chis walken ni gay? betul ke?
Thank you Snake...ikut mood...hahaha
My fantasy GAY????
Men have all the luck.
Saya, you do sound like you need 2 panadols and some sacks after ;)
Screaming for me won't help either ...... I'm straight
Zendra,
I'm not after your body but your sacks education...hahahaha
Wah SAYA, u in a happy mood kah?
Hey, u shouldn’t traumatise the little ones with the dreaded ‘Chinese water torture’ and fibs about the big bad wolf (cikgu) of the outside world. It’s a no no lah, they’ll grow up having low self esteem & fear of stepping out of the house. Little bit of education on ‘stranger danger’ cukup lah.
Haven’t u heard of the ‘sack’ race, u know the one where u jump in a brown coloured cotton rice gunni sack and hopped 100 metres across to the finished line? I think the trouble with ur friend Zee was that she tried to be ‘notti’ with her better half & got stuck together in one & realised it was more fun after all. Ahh this u need to pour ice cold water on them to separate them…heheh.
Come on lah, stop whinging about the different hats u wear as a mummy, u enjoy the roles don’t u? Gaji takdah pun bolih.
Why lah Christopher Walkens, of all men, he’s an ugly fella of that era, what about Bruce Willis. U take on Bruce, I’ll take on Demi but alas Demi prefer younger boys.
Cheers,
Tommy
P/S – Before I go to bed, I usually bring Ah Soh 2 Panadol tablets & a cup of water. Half asleep, she’ll always says “but I don’t have a headache what”…..hehehe… & I’ll say good on ya, luv!
Hey Tommy-san,
It's true lah! She kena already once or twice whack by teacher because late, meh! She doesnt want to kena again lah. I never lie to them ...only about the time...muahahaha!
Where got whinging lah (aiyah that word reminds me of a real jerk I once knew who mentioned the same thing)...this one only surrendering when it comes to being policewoman because I got my hands velly full already meh. You men always cross-wires one lah...tarak faham apa itu pompuan cakap.
People think housewives got nothing to do at home, so I must elucidate daily and remind them lah...haiya.
Ooooo...clever trick on the wifey ah...wonder how she get out of that one...feign sudden asthma attack pulak?
Ya, I think Zendra compete lari dalam guni dulu2....with the other...must be that's how they met...at the telematch...
Bruce Willis is ugly lah...YOU take him on, lah, better luck than with Demi, I will still take Chris Walken...very cool guy. Sigh
Tommy,
Mothers don't mind doing all that stuff, its already prgrammed into them, get paid or not...because kids only have mothers to love them and care for them
But as women (mothers ARE still women), they just want the spouse to be there when they hit the sack after the day is done lah...
otherwise they get pissed off.
Sure, I appreciate & respect the importance of the role the mother have on a child’s upbringing, I was a mummy’s boy after all what, & I think I can fairly read a woman mind well, tho sometimes I get very confused with the odd ‘Yes’ means ‘No’ & ‘No’ means ‘Yes’ thingy. This I got into trouble on a few rare occasions. If only I had the power like Mel Gibson (with Helen Hunt)had in the movie ‘What Women Want.”
Hey Saya,
Did I tell u before about the Jewish Mohel who slipped & got the SACK…..heheh..
Tommy,
N.B – Mohel = Official Physician that perform circumcision.
Guys, Actually it is the three-legged race in the same sack. We made sure the knot that tied our legs together is tight enough to keep the other leg from cutting loose yet with some give for blood circulation.
We had to experiment various styles of walking together so we won't fall (yeah walk, don't run), whilst keeping the sack up all the time. Different sacks, different style-lah.
And that Saya is your SACK education for today. It's all in the knot, basically ;).
Tommy...
Hahaha..Mohel aka Tok Mudim lah...hey! you were a Kelantan kampung boy kan? You also went to Tok Mudim ka?
Sometimes ah Tommy, I think you are actually a woman....hmmmm (read your comment at OneBreastBouncing...waaa...Tommy Yew is quite the softie, meh... ;)
Zendra,
Alah! Tak aci lah...I only join until Brownie level...tak sempat masuk Girl Guides and belajar knots!
I must learn to be Knotty like you lah.
Dear Saya
The Sacks here could be induced after other elixirs have been added to some Triple Sac. But when under the influence, other ills follow. That's what's so terrible about life and its melodies: too much sax and violins!!
I shall say nothing about cops. Many encounters. Not much coercion once they see my identification. But these are still indices of horror.
Haa haa haa! Saya, you crazy sacks-obsessed woman! It was SAX, you see, not SACKS! You have to play the saxophone for your husband. It works. Take it from me.
One of these days your kid will be in therapy for post-traumatic stress disorder and you will have to foot the bill. She will be the kind of pale-faced urchin who jumps up in fright each time someone pops a paper bag or slams a door. You crazy Mama!
I think the IGP now expects all of us to be like Macaroni Culkin in Home Alone and rig wires and cables and hot pokers everywhere. Biar mati penceroboh tu, siasat kemudian. Kalau tersilap orang baru cakap "Ooops!"
Oh, I just learnt how you and Jeffrey do it...by sax and violins...hahaha...better than the sack race and ikat kaki routine coz im no good at knots like Zendy... ;)
Oh, I do it once in a while only lah, when I too tired to cajole and pujuk and cium2 them to wake up..after a while you become a monster...see kids can get up at 4 am when its THEIR plan for the day waiting..ie camping or swimming or some other fun stuff...and THEY scare the living daylights out of me when I try to sleep in then to wake me...so its like Quid Pro Quo...
Ya, must learn how to booby-trap the house...hehehe and the handbag.
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