Speak of the Devil...

Ulaq drew my attention to the 333 number greets me daily as I look at the time...am I a step closer to the dreaded 666 association?

Maybe...because I have started smoking again. After 12 years of quitting cold turkey on a 2 pack-a-day habit first acquired during my Chukka days where they gave you free St. Moritz ciggies at your table. Yeah, it was cool and sophisticated then. Until I became a junkie.

I quit cold turkey for my kids' sake, during my first pregnancy, and totally after my post natal depression because the fags made my anxiety levels worse (naik kepala.. memusingkan lagi kepala yang dah memang berpusing2 dengan hormon2 yang haywire).

Then the fatwas came, regarding smoking.

Early Muslim scholars, confronted with this obnoxious habit, declared it to be makrooh (detested), comparing it with such things as garlic and onions. This was due to the fact that, at that time, no one was aware of the harmful effects produced by smoking, which include, cancer, heart disease, strokes, miscarriages and premature birth in women and several other diseases.

Since it has become clear that smoking is harmful, it is obligatory upon all Muslims to abstain from it, for Allah has said: {And do not kill yourselves, Allah is indeed Merciful to you } (Qur'an 4:29), and the Prophet(S) said: "Let there be no harming and no reciprocating harm." (Narrated by Ahmad)

Unfortunately, some Muslims, either deliberately, or through ignorance, have been guilty of misleading Muslims, by repeating the earlier judgements of scholars, that smoking is only disliked, and therefore, not forbidden.

He(S) also said: "Whoever imbibes poison, killing himself with it, will be consuming his poison in the Hell-fire and will dwell therein eternally." (Narrated by Al-Bukhari)

A smoker is not only a faasid (corrupt person), but also a mufsid (one who spreads corruption): Because of his bad example, his family members, friends and colleagues may also smoke. It is useless to say: "Do as I say, and not as I do." The problem is exacerbated when the smoker affects an air of religious piety or knowledge, because many people will take him as a role model. This multiplies his sins and increases his burden.

So I had been toxin-free for 12 years. Felt clean as a whistle and loathed smokers around me (hey, when I smoked, I always asked the permission of the persons next to me if I could poison their air, and only did it after they obliged)

And then, I was invited to the Mee Rebus Tuesdays' bloggers meet. All the ladies smoked. Tok Mommy, Elviza, etc etc. And I just buckled. They seemed healthy. They were smoking like chimneys. And after all, the nights were getting colder and longer and I needed something to warm me up. To keep me company. To look forward to as a secret pleasure each night when the kids went to sleep.

And I lit up. Sempornas. They tasted like crap and I could feel the toxins permeating my every vein and cell. They made me light-headed. But I couldn't stop. You never can't control youself when it comes to something that you KNOW isn't good for you. You want it anyway. It's addictive. For addictive personalities like me, at least.

That was a year ago, when I first lit up again. During the blessed month of Ramadhan of all times. fast during the days, break fast with the haraam at night. What a waste.

Reading the blogs of so friends finding out they have cancer. Non- friends who have tongue, mouth, all kinds of cancers, even if they haven't smoked a day in their lives. Got me worried. The pictures on the boxes of tar-clogged lungs also give me panic attacks, as I curi-curi smoke in the toilet while reading the warnings on the boxes, feeling myself getting all constricted as I imagined my lungs totally wasted and unable to function anymore. But still, I sucked in all the smoke even deeper, matching the heaving of my rising panic.

My daughters know. I hide it from them, but they know. The eldest, as she lifts the toilet seat, asks, "Apa rokok ni Umi?"

"Oh, semalam plumber datang, tak guna dia tu...buang dalam tandas ek?"

Ya, right. The plumber coming in the dead of the night, fagging in your master toilet, while kids are asleep. Even more damning, ain't it? A plumber looking like Mike from the Desperate Housewives. Yeah. He would definitely do a good job. And more.

Ok. I'm gonna crush and dunk the remaining ciggies in water and throw them away. (gotta make sure they are wet, because junkies will fish out any remaining semblance of fags they attempt to throw away and light them up for relief)

My chest doesn't feel right. And I really gotta stop. 'Coz I'm already up to a pack a day now.

'Coz I'm turning 40 next month.

Not a good age to regress.

And because I want to be able to tell my kids the truth and not poison their beautiful, pure minds.

Dear God, I need a cigarette right now.