Old friend

Late last night, an old acquaintance came over. Someone I've known all my life. She knocked on my door at 1am. She wanted to talk. She still looked pretty much the same person (apart from the 10 or so extra pounds) from a decade ago, but she had lost that bright spark, that optimism, that fire, the old light in her eyes.

I made her some tea. Her favorite. With cardamon and cinnamon.We sat outside on the patio in silence, savoring the soft breeze, and watching the twinkling stars which outlined Orion's Belt.

orion's belt

Then she talked.

You can tell me to talk for a worthy cause in front of a thousand people. I could. Go to a war zone and help the terrorised. Maybe I would too, if I didn't have two small ones depending on me. That would be worth dying for. Worth living for.

But tell me to walk out of this stifling, unfulfilling, aimless, meaningless, hollow, gut-churning, teeth-gnashing, loveless, disconnected union, I couldn't. Even when I had the chance, I quickly ran back inside.

Days like these, I long to be able to pack up my life and my kids and run off to some faraway place I've always wanted to travel to and explore in my youth...Syria, North Africa, Iran, Pakistan, The Holy Lands, Spain, the Australian outback, South Africa...and maybe end up in a small village overlooking the Mediterranean, like Nadia and Mohamed's...and spend the rest of my life in peaceful solitude and simplicity.

Days when I know or admit to myself that I just don't fit in anymore in this piece of this particularly large puzzle.

Days when I can't run away from the reality no matter how hard I try or no matter how my mind shuts it out in its own merciful way.

Days when I just want to run away from everything and everyone I know, from everything I said, from everything I did, and start over...like I had planned years ago.

Start doing right by myself and by the kids... in His Eyes.

But my feet. They are like lead. And I am imprisoned. By my own weakness. My cowardice and those invisible bars that blockade and put me under permanent siege. The electrified fence that keeps me out and keeps me in.

I took her hand and squeezed it lightly. I didn't know what to tell her that she hasn't already heard. All I could offer her was my ear.

One day, you will finally break free. And get to live and love again, the way you want to. The way He wants us to, I told her softly.

I looked up to the heavens, at the diamond encrusted, black, velvety night sky, drinking in the priceless beauty and feeling His Comforting Presence, silently prayed.

For relief. For all of us.